JOKES AND SAYINGS
I probably shouldn't be here but it was the only universe that had a vacancy!
Where do pets come from?
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me." And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that
will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you
will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or
unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as
I do, in spite of yourself." And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal
to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and
you will call him DOG." And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration." And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey
Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme
being. And Adam learned humility. And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy.
THE NEW BIKE
So the little boy went to his bedroom and kneeled down beside the bed.
'Dear Mother Mary, I would like a new bike.' he repeated this every night for a
month, but no bike appeared. So the little boy went back to his room and asked again for a new bike - every night for another month. But still no bike! He returned to his mother complaining that he still didn't have his bike, despite repeatedly asking for it. His mother explained again that it would happen if he kept asking. So the little boy returned to his bedroom. He sat on the end of his bed thinking. Then he got down his statue of Mother Mary from the shelf in his room and carefully wrapped it up in lots and lots of tissue paper. Then he put the statue in old sock. Then he went to his toy cupboard and got out a shoebox. Placing the statue inside the box, he then pushed the box right into the back of the cupboard underneath all his toys. He then knelt down beside his bed and said, 'Dear Jesus, I want a new bike ...... and if you ever want to see your mother again..........' ********* A Hopi Elder speaks:
Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden. It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each
other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader." "This could be a good time! "
Dear Lord I’m proud to say, so far today I’ve got along all right; I haven’t gossiped,whined or bragged Or had a single fight.
I haven’t lost my temper once, Or criticised my mate I have not lied, I have not cried Or loudly cursed my fate.
So far today, I’ve not one time Been grumpy or morose, I’ve not been spiteful, cold or vain Self-centred or verbose.
But Lord, I’m going to need your help Throughout the hours ahead So give me strength Dear Lord, for now I’m getting out of bed.
Driving To Work... PERSONAL GROWTH I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-traveled away yesterday, so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked. So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie, which, of course, made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique. I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes. But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past life regression, then rebirthed myself, and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/ Reike /Rolfing /Feldenkreis /Swedish/ Japanese deep tissue massage. Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded. So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras. At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session. But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment. But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on. That didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and meditated until 9PM. None of it really worked for me, so I got stoned and drank a six pack of beer -- and dude . . . did I feel right with the world! ********
"Yes", whispered the small voice. "May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No." Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?" "Yes", came the answer. "May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no". Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, a policeman". Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer. Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper." Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"? Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle:
"Me" OBSTINATE AT SEA
Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision. Canadians: Negative. YOU will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision. Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course. Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP. Canadians: This is a lighthouse. Your Call.
The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of he logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No -- think of another wish." The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...." The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"
PARROT
1. Hug a tree 2. Give your father 10 red roses and tell him you love him 3. Spend a day caring for handicapped people 4. Shave your head 5. Go to a foreign country and don't leave until you can speak the language fluently 6. Learn not to say "yes" when you mean "no" 7. Partake in a sweatlodge (native American Indian cleansing hot house) 8. Shower naked in a waterfall
11. Dance in a cave by the bushfire at midnight 12. Watch your mum/sister/partner give birth
22. Learn to play a musical instrument ... well 23. Walk through nature in your birthday suit
28. Fall in love unconditionally
30. Hold a snake and swim with a shark 31. Drive around in your car beeping, smiling and waving at all
43. Know that you are perfect, just the way you are 44. Live with an indigenous clan or tribe 45. Throw an enormous party and invite every single one of your friends
61. Meditate in the great pyramid of Gisa
65. Live in an ashram, meet the Dalai Lama 66. Make a complete and utter fool of yourself
76. Wolf whistle to the guys on a building site 77. Jump into a cold, natural creek in winter
83. Do a Julie Andrews - sing loudly from a mountain
A New Age Lullaby ********* A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" ********* Laws of Cat Physics 12 - First Law of Energy Conservation *********
******** I don't believe in past lives. ********
******** Catholic Parrots They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment.
"You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two
male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two
parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots
can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying...
that phrase...in no time." ********* Supposedly voted the best British joke of 2001 Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see?' Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars" "What does that tell you?" asked Holmes. Watson pondered for a minute and replied, ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow, what does it tell you? "Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke... "Watson you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!!" ********* Jesus is watching you A burglar breaking into a house one night, was putting a CD player into his sack, when he heard a strange disembodied voice in the dark, saying "Jesus is watching you!! He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch on and froze. After a while, after hearing nothing more, he shook his head, thinking he must be needing a holiday and clicked his torch back on gain. Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you". Freaked out, he shone his torchlight into every corner of the room and it came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep, said the parrot, I was trying to warn you". "Warn me eh! and who are you?" "Moses" replied the parrot. The burglar laughed "what kind of silly people would name a parrot Moses? The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of silly people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!" *********
2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in
left arm and repeat process. 4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10. 5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call
spouse from garden. 8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw. 9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap. 10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door unto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band. 11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom. 12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road.
Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill
from foil wrap. 14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table…... ********* TO BE A MUM We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family." "We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?" "It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations..." But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes. I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable. I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation. I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right. I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom. However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years-not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs. I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die. I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks. I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child. I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic. I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving. I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future. I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts. My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say. Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings. This blessed gift from God ... that of being a Mother. ********* Death
of a Politician A
powerful politician dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in
heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance. "Welcome
to Heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is
a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're
not sure what to do with you." No
problem, just let me in," says the politician. Well,
I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you
spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend
eternity." Really,
I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician. I'm
sorry but we have our rules." And
with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down
to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf
course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his
friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very
happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce
about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the
people. They
play a friendly game of golf and then dine on crayfish and caviar. Also
present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly chap who has a good time
dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the
politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and
waves while the elevator rises. The
elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is
waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24
hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving
from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time
and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns. Well
then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now..... choose your
eternity." He
reflects for a minute, then the politician answers,
"Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful,
but I think I would be better off in Hell." So
St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell.
Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land
covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags,
picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to
him and lays his arm on his neck. I
don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here
and there was a golf course and club and we ate crayfish and caviar and
danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of
garbage and my friends look miserable. The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!" ************************ DO
YOU REMEMBER WHEN...? And
playing footy with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game? When
being sent to the principal's office was nothing Our
parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! Do
you still remember Didn't
that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?
Pass this on to anyone who
may need a break from
************************ What women want in a man
**********************************
Moral to the story
Isn't
perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen
*************************
Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked strenly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. ("I just LOVE reading next line again and again") GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!
******************* The
Global Facts At
Any Given Moment:
**********
How
old is Grandma?
Stay
with this -- the answer is at the end – One
evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events. The
grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools,
the computer age, and just things in general. The
Grandma replied, "Well, let me think a minute, I was born,
before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses,
Frisbees and the pill. There
were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens. Man had not
invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the
clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the
moon. Your
Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together. Every
family had a father and a mother. Until
I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir" - - and after I
turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."
We
were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centres, and
group therapy. Our
lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We
were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and
take responsibility for our actions. Serving
your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege. Having
a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins. Draft
dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze
started. Time-sharing!
Meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not
purchasing condominiums. We
never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys
wearing earrings. We
listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our
radios. If
you saw anything with 'Made in Japan'
on it, it was junk. The
term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam. Pizza
Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of. We
had 5 &10-cent store where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.
Ice-cream
cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel. If
you wanted to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one
letter and two postcards. You
could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one? Too
bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon. In
my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink,
"pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music"
was your grandmother's lullaby. "Aids"
were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood,
"hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software"
wasn't even a word. And
we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to
have a baby. No
wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation
gap..... and how old do you think I am ???..... Read
on to see -- Pretty scary if you think about it, and rather sad at the same
time. Grandma
is only 58. She
was born in 1946.
***********************
The following poem was among the possessions of an aged lady who died in the geriatric ward of a hospital. There is no information available as to her name, when she died or who she was. It is so appropriate for all nursing personnel, families, volunteers and all who come in contact with the elderly to read. At times we all lose patience with the elderly. This should help us to have more sympathy and understanding of all residents.
"Crabbit Old Woman" What do you see,
what do you see?
By: Phyilis McCormack
A Nurse's reply "To the 'Crabbit Old Woman"
What do we see, you ask, what do we see? Yes, we are thinking when looking at thee! We may seem to be hard when we hurry and fuss, But there's many of you, and too few of us. We would like far more time to sit by you and talk, To bath you and feed you and help you to walk. To hear of your lives and the things you have done; Your childhood, your husband, your daughter, your son. But time is against us, there's too much to do -Patients too many, and nurses too few. We grieve when we see you so sad and alone, With nobody near you, no friends of your own. We feel all your pain, and know of your fear That nobody cares now your end is so near. But nurses are people with feelings as well, And when we're together you'll often hear tell Of the dearest old Gran in the very end bed, And the lovely old Dad, and the things that he said, We speak with compassion and love, and feel sad When we think of your lives and the joy that you've had, When the time has arrived for you to depart, You leave us behind with an ache in our heart. When you sleep the long sleep, no more worry or care, There are other old people, and we must be there. So please understand if we hurry and fuss -There are many of you, And so few of us.
|
And the Cat didn't care a one way or the other.
GENIE 