JOKES AND SAYINGS

                 

I probably shouldn't be here

but it was the only universe that had a vacancy!

 

A jackaroo from outback Queensland (in Australia) goes off to university, but halfway through the term he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?' 

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'  So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000. 

About two-thirds through the term, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. 

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still sleeping with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' 

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot him before he talks to your mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!' 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 
****
 How to make God laugh   Tell him your plans

*************

 A husband and wife are shopping in their local Sainsburys (Coles). The husband picks up a  case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only £10 ($10) for 24 cans', he replies.

'Put them back, it's a waste of money', says the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a £20 ($20) jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price....'

Announcement over the intercom .... HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7.

****

A man had suffered severe injuries in a farming accident and was making a claim on his insurance, which the company was planning to fight. A representative came to see him armed with a copy of the police report. “It says here that just after the accident, the police officer asked how you were and you replied you never felt better. Can you explain that?

Well said the farmer, just after the accident the policeman saw my horse had two broken legs so he took out his gun and shot it. Then he saw my dog had a broken back and was whimpering in pain, so he took out his gun and shot it.

Then he came over and said ‘How do you feel?’ 

**********************************

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it uld hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." 

**********

 A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly angry now.  The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.  

The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.  

The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"  

The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

********** 

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a large Whisky. 

There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,” A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy.  

The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another one". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again.  

The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,” You slag, get me my bloody Scotch!" 

Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...". 

****************

 An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer; I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"Doctor; You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

****************

"If you could get rid of yourself just once,

 the secret of secrets would open to you. 

 The face of the unknown,

 hidden beyond the universe

 would appear on the mirror of your perception."  

****************  

"Out Beyond Ideas Of Rightdoing And Wrongdoing
 There is A Field -  I Will Meet You There."
 

  Rumi Sufi mystic and poet, 1207-1273 

 ****************

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be measured by the way its animals are treated"     Mahatma Ghandi

**************** 

This body is not me. I am not limited by this body. I am life without boundaries. I have never been born, and I have never died. Look at the ocean and the sky filled with stars, manifestations from my wondrous true mind. Since before time, I have been free. Birth and death are only doors through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide- and seek. So laugh with me, hold my hand, let us say good-bye, say good-bye, to meet again soon. We meet today. We will meet again tomorrow. We will meet at the source every moment. We meet each other in all forms of life.

by Thich Nhat Hanh 

 **************** 

 "Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back."

Eve Ensler

 ***************

  There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonne do about it?” He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

Come on man, says the biker, I didn’t think you’s CRY! I can’t stand to see a man crying.

 “This is the worst day of my life, I say. I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me…..So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison disolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing. But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

 ********* 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple  stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 
While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

 ********* 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. He says he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.


For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his
Wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money,
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Redskin tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

***********   

A duck walks into a Post Office. 

He says to the man behind the counter. ‘Have you got any corn?’ 

‘No’, says the man, ‘we don’t sell corn.’ 

The next day the duck comes in again and says  ‘Have you got any corn?” 

The guy is quite annoyed and says’ I told you yesterday, we don’t have any corn! 

The next day the duck comes in again and asks ‘Do you have any corn?’ 

The guy is furious by now. He says’ I’ve already told you twice, we don’t have any corn - and if you come in and ask me that again, I’ll nail your beak to the counter.’ 

The next day the duck comes in again and says “ Have you got any nails? 

‘No, we haven’t got any nails’ - yells the guy. 

 ‘Have you got any corn? 

********    

THE DRIVE HOME 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Cornwall to Inverness.

 

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and They decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a Bill for £150.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth £150.

 

When the clerk tells him £150 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

 The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

 

 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He Goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which The hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

 

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

 

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  The man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir,' he Says, 'this cheque is only made out for £50.00.'

 

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you £100 for sleeping with my wife.'

 

 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

 

 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

 

****

The funeral procession

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

 "Can I borrow the dog?"  

"Get in line."

 *******

Senior upmanship

A very self-important yuppie attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"  the yuppie said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

 
”The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space  travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.   We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cas, computers with light-speed processing "  

Pausing to take another drink of beer, the senior citizen took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "Yes, you're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them!!

 *****

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."  

  *****  

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey .

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water,
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for, I'm off
to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy"

Perhaps a fresh start in
America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to
America , and he's screwing me"

"He certainly is love" said the captain. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry"
 

**************

 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

 **************************

 A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”  

**********

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

************************************

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

 *******

 A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'


Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy.'
Passenger: 'Sounds like he was something really special.'
Cabbie: 'There's more... He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right'
Passenger: 'Wow, some guy then.'
Cabbie: 'He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too - He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.'
Passenger: 'An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?'
Cabbie: 'Well, I never actually met him, he died.  I married his widow.'  

********

 A lady writes in to an Agony Uncle column.

 Dear Roger,


I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.
When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbour's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.
When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was made redundant six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counselling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.


Can you please help?    Sincerely, Sheila"


"Dear Sheila:


A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

 Roger  

**************************

 Two guys were discussing popular family trends on sex, marriage, and family values. 
Stu said, 'I didn't sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?' 
Leroy replied, 'I'm not sure, what was her maiden name?'

***********

A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 


'Me either doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

 **********

 A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from   San Francisco   to   New York City ?'  


The agent replies, 'Just a minute.'   

'O K . Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.

*********

Paddy was driving down the street in a sweat because he had an important meeting and couldn't find a parking place.   Looking up to heaven he said, 'Lord take pity on me.   If you find me a parking place I will go to Mass every Sunday for the rest of me life and give up me Irish Whiskey!' 

Miraculously, a parking place appeared.

Paddy looked up again and said, 'Never mind, I found one.'

 ***

An Irish priest is driving down to  New York  and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut .  The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. 

He says, 'Sir, have you been drinking?'

'Just water,' says the priest.

The trooper says, 'Then why do I smell wine?'

The priest looks at the bottle and says, 'Praise the Lord! He's done it again!'

   *********   

When a woman will lie....

One day, when a seamstress was sewing while sitting close to a river, her thimble fell into the river. When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?" The seamstress replied that her thimble had fallen into the water and that she needed it to help her husband in making a living for their family. The Lord dipped His hand into the water and pulled up a golden thimble set with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord again dipped into the river. He held out a golden thimble studded with rubies.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. Again, the seamstress replied, "No." 
The Lord reached down again and came up with a leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked. The seamstress replied, "Yes." The Lord was pleased with the woman's honesty and gave her all three thimbles to keep, and the seamstress went home happy.


Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the riverbank, and her husband fell into the river and disappeared under the water. When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?'' "Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with George Clooney. "Is this your husband? The Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress. The Lord said "You lied! That is an untruth!" The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said "no" to George Clooney, you would have come up with Brad Pitt.

Then if I said "no" to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said "yes," you would have given me all three. Lord, I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to take care of all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said "yes" to George Clooney.  And so the Lord let her keep him. 

The moral of this story is:  

Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason and in the best interest of others. That's our story, and we're sticking to it. 

******

An elderly couple had dinner at another couples house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two elderly gentlemen were talking, and one said “Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly. “  

The other man said “What the name of the restaurant?”  

The first man thought and thought and finally said “What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love, you know the one that is red and has thorns.”  

“ Do you mean a rose?”  

 Yes, the man said. He turned toward the kitchen and yelled  “Rose what’s the name of  that resonant we went to last night?”  

**********  

 HOW IS NORMA?

 A sweet grandmother telephoned St Joseph's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" 

The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" 

The grandmother, in her weak, tremulous voice, said "Norma Findlay, Room 302." 

The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." 

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well.  Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal and her physician,

Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." 

The grandmother said "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried.  God bless you for the good news." 

The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" 

The grandmother said, "No, I'm Norma Findlay in Room 302.  No one tells me anything."

 

**********

 Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.. One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses... She yells to the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

 The 94 yearold yells back, "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down?"

 The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood." She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

*********


An elderly lady called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car  has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.  

The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way." A few minutes later, the officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake."

 *****  

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS 
 
Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that expensive double-pane energy efficient kind, and today, I got a  call from the contractor who installed them. He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and I still hadn't paid for them. 
 
Hellloooo,...........just because I'm blonde doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid! 


So, I told him just what his fast talking sales guy had told me last year, that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves! 

 Hellooooo? It's been a year!” I told him. 


There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I finally just hung up. He never called back. 
 
 I bet he felt like an idiot. 
 
 ************* 

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy some cyanide."  

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"  The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."  

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"  

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.  

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

 **************  

  Quotes

I think God has found me.

Have you any idea how inconvenient that is?   

William Wilberforce

 

You are making  progress if each mistake you make is a new one.

 

He who cannot forgive breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass.



Of all the vices, intellectual pride is the most treachourous and most difficult to free oneself from because it is not recognised as a vice.

 

This is a test to see if your mission on Earth is over. If you are still alive, it's not. 

 

When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.

 

If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can't, you're right.

 

Criticize the act, not the person. 

 

Lack of planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on mine.

 

To attain knowledge, add things every day. To attain wisdom, review things every day.  

 

So your wife has left you, your business has gone bust and you think your children no longer love you, why be unhappy as well?" (Lionel Fifield)

 

The difference between a master and a student,

The student strives to become the master as

The master knows It is the eternal student! 

 

 "Everyone is responsible to everyone for everything."  Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn

 

 

Wise old Indian reflects re daylight saving.

Only  white man would believe you could cut off top of blanket, sew it to bottom of blanket and have longer blanket.

 

 

  ***

 

                                      Where do pets come from?


A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to "Where do pets come from?"

Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."

And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."

And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."

And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.     catwakes.gif (2847 bytes)

And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved.

And Dog was happy.

 And the Cat didn't care a one way or the other.            


*********

THE NEW BIKE


A little boy wanted a new bike. He went to his mother and told her. Ah well, what you need to do is to ask the Virgin Mary, she replied. It always works. She will provide.

So the little boy went to his bedroom and kneeled down beside the bed. 'Dear Mother Mary, I would like a new bike.'  he repeated this every night for a month, but no bike appeared.
He went back to his mother and said I have been asking Mother Mary for a month now, but I still don't have my new bike. His mother replied 'You just haven't asked for long enough.  The Virgin Mary always answers prayers. You must have faith. You need to keep trying.

So the little boy went back to his room and asked again for a new bike - every night for another month. But still no bike!

He returned to his mother complaining that he still didn't have his bike, despite repeatedly asking for it. His mother explained again that it would happen if he kept asking.

So the little boy returned to his bedroom. He sat on the end of his bed thinking. Then he got down his statue of Mother Mary from the shelf in his room and carefully wrapped it up in lots and lots of tissue paper. Then he put the statue in old sock. Then he went to his toy cupboard and got out a shoebox. Placing the statue inside the box, he then pushed the box right into the back of the cupboard underneath all his toys.

He then knelt down beside his bed and said, 'Dear Jesus, I want a new bike ...... and if you ever want to see your mother again..........'

*********

A Hopi Elder speaks:


"You have been telling the people that this is the Eleventh Hour, now you must go back and tell the people that this is the Hour. And there are things to be considered.

Where are you living? What are you doing? What are your relationships?

Are you in right relation? Where is your water? Know your garden.

It is time to speak your Truth. Create your community. Be good to each other. And do not look outside yourself for the leader."

Then he clasped his hands together, smiled, and said,

"This could be a good time! " 


WISDOM OF THE ELDERS

There is a river flowing now very fast. It is so great and swift, that there are those who will be afraid. They will try to hold on to the shore. They will feel they are being torn apart and will suffer greatly. Know the river has its destination. The elders say we must let go of the shore, push off into the middle of the river, keep our eyes open, and our heads above the water. And I say, see who is in there with you and celebrate.

At this time in history, we are to take nothing personally. Least of all, ourselves. For the moment that we do, our spiritual growth and journey comes to a halt.

The time of the lone wolf is over. Gather yourselves!

Banish the word struggle from your attitude and your vocabulary. All that we do now must be done in a sacred manner and in celebration.

WE ARE THE ONES WE'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

Oraibi, Arizona
Hopi Nation


                                            
*********

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Dear Lord

I’m proud to say, so far today

I’ve got along all right;

I haven’t gossiped,whined or bragged

Or had a single fight.

 

I haven’t lost my temper once,

Or criticised my mate

I have not lied, I have not cried

Or loudly cursed my fate.

 

So far today, I’ve not one time

Been grumpy or morose,

I’ve not been spiteful, cold or vain

Self-centred or verbose.

 

But Lord, I’m going to need your help

Throughout the hours ahead

So give me strength Dear Lord, for now

I’m getting out of bed.



                                                        *********

Driving To Work...


Driving to the office this morning on the M3, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new BMW doing 90 mph with her face right up to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner! I looked away for a couple of  seconds and when I  looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on her make-up!

It scared me so bad that I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked my toast out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten up the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which then fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned me, ruined the damn phone and disconnected an important call!  B....... women drivers!


**********

PERSONAL GROWTH

I was having an out-of-body experience and almost astral-traveled away yesterday, so I grounded myself and got centered with the help of my spirit guides and then the phone rang, and sensing the negative vibrations, I threw the I-Ching and checked my numerology chart, nearly having a primal, but my energy was too blocked. So I did some bioenergetics and self-parenting, took some flower essences and ate an organic oat bran ginseng muffin, but my inner child wasn't feeling nurtured yet. To fix this, I had a Rice Dream Frozen Pie, which, of course, made me hyper, so I did the relaxation response technique.

I had just learned at the Self Healing Angst Tree Defoliating Center while listening to my subliminal tapes. But that left me feeling depersonalized, so I did some polarity work, foot reflexology, and past life regression, then rebirthed myself, and called Moon Beam, my body worker, to make an appointment for a Shiatsu/ Reike /Rolfing /Feldenkreis /Swedish/ Japanese deep tissue massage. Unfortunately, she flaked out and never returned my call, so I decided to energize my crystals and do some positive imagery because all my visualization techniques and affirmations made my space feel invaded.

So to get empowered, I got a psychic reading from Mother Heart Love around the issue of my assertiveness so I could feel my radiance and have some energy for my psycho calisthenics and inversion swing before my harmonic brain wave synergy session. This made me more focused for my actualization seminar, holistic healing class and dream workshop, which in turn made me clearer for my Gestalt behavioral cognitive transpersonal Rechian-Jungian-Freudian-Ericksonian session at the hot springs, but my aura was too weak for my trance channeling group, so I fasted until noon to recharge my chakras. At that point, I sensed my intuition was high and my cycle was focused, so I turned on my ion generator to open up for my Neural Linguistic Programming session. But I needed to have my pyramid recharged before my guided synchronicity meditation, so I got some craniosacral therapy, which aligned me for the fire walk between my tarot card reading and my sensory deprivation tank appointment.

But even after all that, I felt what I truly needed was a meaningful relationship to mirror myself, so I went to my personal shaman, and then to my guru, but they were no help, so instead I went to the Intensive Whole Life Earth Rebirth Cosmic Expo Symposium Workshop to find someone who really knew what was going on. That didn't help either, so I locked myself in a calcium coated Orgone Box and meditated until 9PM.

None of it really worked for me, so I got stoned and drank a six pack of beer -- and dude . . . did I feel right with the world!

********


WHY PARENTS HAVE GREY HAIR!


The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialled the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?" Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"

"Yes", whispered the small voice.

"May I talk with him?" the man asked. To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."

Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, Is your Mommy there?"

"Yes", came the answer.

"May I talk with her?" Again the small voice whispered, "no".

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child. "Is there any one there besides you?" the boss asked the child. "Yes" whispered the child, a policeman".

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked "May I speak with the policeman"? "No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman", came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?" "A hello-copper", answered the whispering voice. "What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed. In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "What are they searching for"?

Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle: "Me"


                                               *********

OBSTINATE AT SEA


What follows is a transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between a U.S. naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland.

Canadians: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: Recommend YOU divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

Canadians: Negative. YOU will have to divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a U.S. Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER U.S.S. LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

Canadians:   This is a lighthouse. Your Call.


********
MOSES AND JESUS


Moses, Jesus and an old man are golfing. Moses steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the watertrap. Moses parts the water and chips the ball onto the green.

Jesus steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and lands in the water trap. Jesus just walks on the water and chips the ball onto the green.

The old man steps up to the tee and hits the ball. It goes sailing over the fairway and heads for the water trap. But, just before it falls into the water, a fish jumps up and grabs the ball in its mouth. As the fish is falling back down into the water, an eagle swoops down and grabs the fish in its claws. The eagle flies over the green where a lightning bolt shoots from the sky and barely misses it. Startled, the eagle drops the fish. When the fish hits the ground, the ball pops out of its mouth and rolls into the hole for a hole-in-one.

Jesus then turns to the old man and says, "Dad, if you don't stop fooling around, we won't bring you next time."


                                 
*********

                                                                                                GENIE             


A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie. The genie said "OK, OK. You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three. You only get one wish!"

The man sat and thought about it for a while and said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit?" The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible. Think of he logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete...how much steel!! No -- think of another wish."

The man said OK and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So, I wish that I could understand women....know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment....know why they're crying, know what they really want when they say 'nothing'....know how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"


*********

PARROT



David received a parrot for his birthday.

The parrot was fully-grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, very rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, anything he could think of to try and set a good example. Nothing worked.

He yelled at the bird and the bird yelled back. He shook the bird and the bird just got more angry and became even more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer.

For a few moments he heard the bird squawk and kick and scream. Then suddenly, there was quiet - not a sound for half a minute. David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and quickly opened the freezer door.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said:

"I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I will endeavour at once to correct my behaviour. I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:

"May I ask what the chicken did?"


*********

 

          99 THINGS TO DO BEFORE YOU ASCEND!!

                  1. Hug a tree

                  2. Give your father 10 red roses and tell him you love him

                   3. Spend a day caring for handicapped people

                   4. Shave your head

                   5. Go to a foreign country and don't leave until you can speak the language fluently

                   6. Learn not to say "yes" when you mean "no"

                  7. Partake in a sweatlodge (native American Indian cleansing hot house)

                   8. Shower naked in a waterfall

  9. Buy your mother something she's ALWAYS wanted

10. Grow your own organic vegies

                 11. Dance in a cave by the bushfire at midnight

                  12. Watch your mum/sister/partner give birth

13. Look for the end of a rainbow

14. Follow your spirit without hesitation

15. Have a fling with a famous person

16. Spend the whole day with someone special snuggled up in  bed whilst it rains

17. Learn to massage

18. Climb through the jungle with mountain gorillas

19. See a UFO/ghost/alien

20. Verbal fast for a whole day

21. Float in the Dead Sea

                22. Learn to play a musical instrument ... well

                23. Walk through nature in your birthday suit

24.Make love in a rainforest

25. Back-pack around th world in 80 days

26. Sing to your plant

27. Ride an elephant in Africa

                28. Fall in love unconditionally

29. Sing on a stage

                30. Hold a snake and swim with a shark

                31. Drive around in your car beeping, smiling and waving at all

32. Dance through a shopping centre

33. Transform your dreams into reality

34. Break a rule

35. Learn to levitate

36. Stay on a houseboat in Nepal

37. Contact a loved one who has departed the earth plane

38. Know that you manifest your universe

39. Dance with a fairy

40  Cover yourself in mud

41. Shapeshift

42. Swim with a dolphin

                 43. Know that you are perfect, just the way you are

                 44. Live with an indigenous clan or tribe

                 45. Throw an enormous party and invite every single one of your friends

56. Totally de-toxify yourself

57. Go skinny dipping at midnight

58. Tell your Dad about that time you snuck-out

59. Learn to belly dance.

60. Have a love affair in Paris

                61. Meditate in the great pyramid of Gisa

62. Forgive your parents

63. Forgive yourself

64. Make "seize the moment" your motto

                65. Live in an ashram, meet the Dalai Lama

                66. Make a complete and utter fool of yourself

67. Learn tantric sex

68. Walk a cat walk

69. Make a public speech

70. Send a message in a bottle

        71. Go bush by yourself

72. Climb Mount Everest

73. Stop hiding your true feelings and tell others what you REALLY think

74. Experience weightlessness

75. Drive/hitch across Australia from Coast to Coast

                76. Wolf whistle to the guys on a building site

                77. Jump into a cold, natural creek in winter

78. Run barefoot in the snow

79. Grow sunflowers from seeds

80. Overcome your fear of failure and celebrate your mistakes (learning experiences)

81. Go hot air ballooning

82. Stay out all night dancing and go to work the next day without going home at all

                83. Do a Julie Andrews - sing loudly from a mountain

84. Befriend a spider

85. Speak to your dog/cat telepathically

86. Discover your latent creativity – paint masterpiece, compose an opera

87. Fly in an ultralight

88. Ride on a Harley

89. Water the garden organically – from within

90. Live for a day on fresh spring water

91. Live for a day on French champagne

92. Shoot a bow and arrow through an apple in the bush

93. Spend all day in the bath with rose petals

94. Kiss a frog

95. Buy yourself something you've always wanted - indulge

96. Go to a musical on Broadway

97. Create a surplus of abundance in your life

98. Live for one day like its your last

99. Count your blessings and ascend with joy!

*********

A New Age Lullaby

Hush little baby don't you squall
Momma's gonna buy you a crystal ball
And if you still can't see beyond
Momma's gonna buy you a magic wand
And if that wand don't change your fate
Momma's gonna teach you to levitate
And if the astral makes you sick,
Momma's gonna buy you an incense stick
And if that patchouli smells too rank
She'll buy you a sensory deprivation tank
And if that tank don't float your bones
Momma's gonna buy you some precious stones
And if those gems don't ease your heart
Momma's gonna buy you a natal chart
And if your planets go berserk
Momma's gonna buy you some bodywork
And if your aura still needs kneading
Momma's gonna buy you a past life reading
And if your destiny stays hid
Momma's gonna buy you a pyramid
And if your chakras still feel stressed
Momma's gonna take you on a vision quest
And if power animals don't come to charm ya
Sorry, kid, it's just your karma.

*********

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch, make him a nutritious meal. For dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him. It will only make his stress worse. And most importantly. Make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim."

"If you can do this for the next ten months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely."

On the way home, the husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?"
"You're going to die," she replied.

*********

 Laws of Cat Physics       catwakes.gif (2847 bytes)

1 - Law of Cat Inertia
A cat at rest will tend to remain at rest, unless acted upon by some outside force - such as the opening of cat food, or a nearby scurrying mouse.

2 - Law of Cat Motion
A cat will move in a straight line, unless there’s a really good reason to change direction.

3 - Law of Cat Magnetism
All blue blazers and black sweaters attract cat hair in direct proportion to the darkness of the fabric.

4 - Law of Cat Thermodynamics
Heat flows from a warmer to a cooler body, except in the case of a cat, in which case all heat flows to the cat.

5 - Law of Cat Stretching
A cat will stretch to a distance proportional to the length of the nap just taken.

6 - Law of Cat Sleeping
All cats must sleep with people whenever possible, in a position as uncomfortable for the people involved as is possible for the cat.

7 - Law of Cat Elongation
A cat can make her body long enough to reach just about any countertop that has anything remotely interesting on it.

8 - Law of Cat Acceleration
A cat will accelerate at a constant rate, until he gets good and ready to stop.

9 - Law of Dinner Table Attendance
Cats must attend all meals when anything good is served.

10 - Law of Rug Configuration
No rug may remain in its naturally flat state for very long.

11 - Law of Obedience Resistance
A cat’s resistance varies in proportion to a human’s desire for her to do something.

12 - First Law of Energy Conservation
Cats know that energy can neither be created nor destroyed and will, therefore, use as little energy as possible.

13 - Second Law of Energy Conservation
Cats also know that energy can only be stored by a lot of napping.

14 - Law of Refrigerator Observation
If a cat watches a refrigerator long enough, someone will come along and take out something good to eat.

15 - Law of Electric Blanket Attraction
Turn on an electric blanket and a cat will jump into bed at the speed of light.

16 - Law of Random Comfort Seeking
A cat will always seek, and usually take over, the most comfortable spot in any given room.

17 - Law of Bag / Box Occupancy
All bags and boxes in a given room must contain a cat within the earliest possible nanosecond.

18 - Law of Cat Embarrassment
A cat’s irritation rises in direct proportion to her embarrassment times the amount of human laughter.

19 - Law of Milk Consumption
A cat will drink his weight in milk, squared, just to show you he can.

20 - Law of Furniture Replacement
A cat’s desire to scratch furniture is directly proportional to the cost of the furniture.

*********


If you love something, set it free. If it comes back, it will always be yours. If it doesn't come back, it was never yours to begin with. But, if it just sits in your living room, messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money, and doesn't appear to realize that you had set it free...... You either married it or gave birth to it.

********

I don't believe in past lives.
I didn't last time and I don't this time.

********


I am a vegetarian, not because I love animals,
but because I hate plants.

********
*********

Catholic Parrots

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a
problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

"What do they say?" the priest inquired.

They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

"That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, then he thought for a moment. "You know," he said, "I may have a solution to your problem. I have two male talking parrots, which I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house, and we'll put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship, and your parrots are sure to stop saying... that phrase...in no time."

"Thank you," the woman responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw that his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.

After a few minutes, the female parrots cried out in unison: "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?"

There was stunned silence. Shocked, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and exclaimed, "Put the beads away, Frank. Our prayers have been answered.

*********

Supposedly voted the best British joke of 2001

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudges his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see?'

Watson replied "I see millions and millions of stars"

"What does that tell you?" asked Holmes.

Watson pondered for a minute and replied, ''Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I think that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow, what does it tell you?

"Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke... "Watson you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!!"

*********

Jesus is watching you

A burglar breaking into a house one night, was putting a CD player into his sack, when he heard a strange disembodied voice in the dark, saying "Jesus is watching you!!

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his torch on and froze. After a while, after hearing nothing more, he shook his head, thinking he must be needing a holiday and clicked his torch back on gain.

Just as he pulled the stereo out to disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard "Jesus is watching you". Freaked out, he shone his torchlight into every corner of the room and it came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep, said the parrot, I was trying to warn you". "Warn me eh! and who are you?" "Moses" replied the parrot.

The burglar laughed "what kind of silly people would name a parrot Moses? The parrot replied, "Probably the same kind of silly people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus!"

*********

                                                                        GIVING A CAT A PILL


1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws.
Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat's head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat's throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.

8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse's armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat's mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse's forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbour's shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door unto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologise to neighbour who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.

13. Tie cat's front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat's mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table…...

*********

TO BE A MUM

 We are sitting at lunch one day when my daughter casually mentions that she and her husband are thinking of "starting a family."

"We're taking a survey," she says half-joking. "Do you think I should have a baby?"

"It will change your life," I say, carefully keeping my tone neutral. "I know," she says, "no more sleeping in on weekends, no more spontaneous vacations..."

But that is not what I meant at all. I look at my daughter, trying to decide what to tell her. I want her to know what she will never learn in childbirth classes.

I want to tell her that the physical wounds of child bearing will heal, but becoming a mother will leave her with an emotional wound so raw that she will forever be vulnerable.

I look at her carefully manicured nails and stylish suit and think that no matter how sophisticated she is, becoming a mother will reduce her to the primitive level of a bear protecting her cub. That an urgent call of "Mom!" will cause her to drop a soufflé or her best crystal without a moment's hesitation.

I feel that I should warn her that no matter how many years she has invested in her career, she will be professionally derailed by motherhood. She might arrange for childcare, but one day she will be going into an important business meeting and she will think of her baby's sweet smell. She will have to use every ounce of discipline to keep from running home, just to make sure her baby is all right.

I want my daughter to know that every day decisions will no longer be routine. That a five year old boy's desire to go to the men's room rather than the women's at McDonald's will become a major dilemma. That right there, in the midst of clattering trays and screaming children, issues of independence and gender identity will be weighed against the prospect that a child molester may be lurking in that restroom.

However decisive she may be at the office, she will second-guess herself constantly as a mother. Looking at my attractive daughter, I want to assure her that eventually she will shed the pounds of pregnancy, but she will never feel the same about herself. That her life, now so important, will be of less value to her once she has a child. That she would give it up in moment to save her offspring, but will also begin to hope for more years-not to accomplish her own dreams, but to watch her child accomplish theirs.

I consider warning her that she will never again read a newspaper without asking, "What if that had been MY child?" That every plane crash, every house fire will haunt her. That when she sees pictures of starving children, she will wonder if anything could be worse than watching your child die.

I want her to know that a cesarean scar or shiny stretch marks will become badges of honor. My daughter's relationship with her husband will change, but not in the way she thinks.

I wish she could understand how much more you can love a man who is careful to powder the baby or who never hesitates to play with his child.

I think she should know that she will fall in love with him again for reasons she would now find very unromantic.

I wish my daughter could sense the bond she will feel with women throughout history who have tried to stop war, prejudice and drunk driving.

I hope she will understand why I can think rationally about most issues, but become temporarily insane when I discuss the threat of nuclear war to my children's future.

I want to describe to my daughter the exhilaration of seeing your child learn to ride a bike. I want to capture for her the belly laugh of a baby who is touching the soft fur of a dog or cat for the first time. I want her to taste the joy that is so real it actually hurts.

My daughter's quizzical look makes me realize that tears have formed in my eyes. "You'll never regret it," I finally say.

Then I reached across the table, squeezed my daughter's hand and offered a silent prayer for her, and for me, and for all the mere mortal women who stumble their way into this most wonderful of callings.

This blessed gift from God ... that of being a Mother.  

********* 

Death of a Politician

 A powerful politician dies after a prolonged illness. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there  is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see,

so  we're not sure what to do with you."

No problem, just let me in," says the politician.

 Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have  you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the politician.

I'm sorry but we have our rules."

 And with that, St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening attire. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of  the people.

 They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on crayfish and caviar. Also present is the Devil, who really is a very friendly chap who has a good time dancing and telling jokes. They are having such a good time that, before the politician realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator rises.

 The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St Peter is waiting for him. Now it's time to visit Heaven."

So 24 hours pass with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St Peter returns.

 Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now..... choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the  politician  answers, "Well, I would never have said it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

 So St Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to him and lays his arm on his neck.

 I don't understand," stammers the politician. "Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate crayfish and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is, is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

 

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning...Today you voted for us!" 

************************

 

 

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN...?

All the girls had ugly gym uniforms?

It took five minutes for the TV warm up?

Nearly everyone's Mum was at home when the kids got home from school?

Nobody owned a purebred dog?

When a shilling was a decent allowance?

You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny?

Your Mum wore stockings that came in two pieces?

All your male teachers wore ties and female teachers had
their hair done every day and wore high heels?

You got your windshield cleaned, oil checked, and petrol pumped,
without asking, all for free, every time?
And you didn't pay for air?  

Cereals had free toys hidden inside the box?

It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner
at a real restaurant with your parents?

They threatened to keep kids back a year if they failed. . .and they did?

When a 57 Holden was everyone's dream car?
No one ever asked where the car keys were
because they were always in the car,
in the ignition, and the doors were never locked?

Lying on your back in the grass with your friends
and saying things like, "That cloud looks like a ."

And playing footy with no adults to help kids with the rules of the game?

Stuff from the shop came without safety caps and hermetic seals
because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger?

And with all our progress, don't you just wish, just once,
you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace,
and share it with the children of today?

When being sent to the principal's office was nothing
compared to the fate that awaited the student at home?
Basically we were in fear for our lives,
but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs, etc.

Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! 
But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.

Do you still remember
Nancy Drew, Laurel and Hardy, The Famous Five
Secret Seven, Biggles,
the Lone Ranger, Phantom,
Roy and Dale and Trigger.

As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket games,
Hula Hoops, monkey bars, jilgying, visits to the beach and "conversation" lollies.

 

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, "Yeah, I remember that"?



I am sharing this with you today 
because it ended with a double dare to pass it on.
To remember what a double dare is, read on.
And remember that the perfect age is somewhere between
old enough to know better and too young to care.


How many of these do you remember?

Lolly cigarettes
pogo sticks, marbles,
Home milk delivery in glass bottles with aluminium tops
Newsreels before the movie
Sandshoes


Telephone numbers with letter prefixes....(ABD 601). 
 

45 RPM records
Hi-Fi's

Metal ice cubes trays with levers
Mimeograph paper
Cork pop guns
Drive ins
Valiants

 


Washtub wringers
Reel-To-Reel tape recorders
houses made of cards

Meccano Sets

That awful pink slab of bubble gum

Penny lollies

35 cent a gallon petrol

Do you remember a time when...

Decisions were made by going "eeny-meeny-miney-moe"?
"Race issue" meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
It wasn't odd to have two or three "Best Friends"?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was "boy or girl bugs"?
Having a weapon in school meant being caught with a ging?

Saturday morning cartoons weren't 30-minute commercials for action figures?
Spinning around, getting dizzy, and falling down was cause for giggles?

The worst embarrassment was being picked last for a team?
 
Playing cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?
Taking drugs meant orange-flavoured chewable aspirin?
Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?


If you can remember most or all of these, then you have lived !!!!!!!

 

Pass this on to anyone who may need a break from
their "grown-up" life . . .I double-dare-ya! 

 

************************

What women want in a man

What I Want in a Man, My Original List:
1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer thing
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 32)
1. Nice looking (prefer hair on his head)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 42)
1. Not too ugly (bald head OK)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 52)
1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't retell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 62)
1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What I Want in a Man, Revised List (age 72)
1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet 

**********************************

 

        Moral to the story


 One day a father of a very wealthy family took his son on a trip to the
 country with the firm purpose of showing his son how poor people live.
 They spent a couple of days and nights on the farm of what would be
 considered a very poor family.
 On their return from their trip, the father asked his son, "How was the
 trip?"
 "It was great, Dad."
 "Did you see how poor people live?" the father asked.
 "Oh yeah," said the son.
 "So, tell me, what did you learn from the trip?" asked the father.
 The son answered: "I saw that we have one dog and they had four.
 We have a pool that reaches to the middle of our garden and they have a
 creek that has no end.
 We have imported lanterns in our garden and they have the stars at
 night.
 Our patio reaches to the front yard and they have the whole horizon.
 We have a small piece of land to live on and they have fields that go
 beyond our sight.
 We have servants who serve us, but they serve others.
 We buy our food, but they grow theirs.
 We have walls around our property to protect us, they have friends to
 protect them."
 The boy's father was speechless.
 Then his son added, "Thanks, Dad, for showing me how poor we are."

 

 Isn't perspective a wonderful thing? Makes you wonder what would happen
 if we all gave thanks for everything we have, instead of worrying about  what we don't have.
 Appreciate every single thing you have, especially your friends!
 Please pass this page on to friends and acquaintances to help them
 refresh their perspective and appreciation.
 "Life is too short and friends are too few."

 

*************************

 

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are extremely mischievous.
They are always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it.
If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved.

The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful disciplining children, so she asked if he would
speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon.

The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked strenly,

"Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's
face and bellowed,

"Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly
home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time.

("I just LOVE reading next line again and again")

GOD is missing, and they think we did it!!!!!

 

*******************

The Global Facts

At Any Given Moment:

Fact: 79,000,000 people are engaged in love making.
Fact: 58,000,000 are kissing.
Fact: 37,000,000 are relaxing after love making.
Fact: 1 lonely person is reading emails.

You hang in there sunshine!

 

**********

 

How old is Grandma?

 

Stay with this -- the answer is at the end –

 

One evening a grandson was talking to his grandmother about current events.  The grandson asked his grandmother what she thought about the shootings at schools, the computer age, and just things in general.

The Grandma replied,  "Well, let me think a minute, I was born, before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, Xerox, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill.

There were no credit cards, laser beams or ball-point pens.  Man had not invented pantyhose, air conditioners, dishwashers, clothes dryers, and the clothes were hung out to dry in the fresh air and man had yet to walk on the moon.

Your Grandfather and I got married first and then lived together.

Every family had a father and a mother.

Until I was 25, I called every man older than I, "Sir" - - and after I turned 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, "Sir."

We were before gay-rights, computer-dating, dual careers, day-care centres, and group therapy.

Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught to know the difference between right and wrong, and to stand up and take responsibility for our actions.

Serving your country was a privilege; living in this country was a bigger privilege.

Having a meaningful relationship meant getting along with your cousins.

Draft dodgers were people who closed their front doors when the evening breeze started.

Time-sharing! Meant time the family spent together in the evenings and weekends -- not purchasing condominiums.

We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings.

We listened to the Big Bands, Jack Benny, and the President's speeches on our radios.

If you saw anything with 'Made in Japan' on it, it was junk.

The term 'making out' referred to how you did on your school exam.

Pizza Hut, McDonald's, and instant coffee were unheard of.

We had 5 &10-cent store where you could actually buy things for 5 and 10 cents.

Ice-cream cones, phone calls, rides on a streetcar, and a Pepsi were all a nickel.  If you wanted to splurge, you could spend your nickel on enough stamps to mail one letter and two postcards.

You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for $600 but who could afford one?

Too bad, because gas was 11 cents a gallon.

In my day, "grass" was mowed, "coke" was a cold drink, "pot" was something your mother cooked in, and "rock music" was your grandmother's lullaby.

"Aids" were helpers in the Principal's office, "chip" meant a piece of wood, "hardware" was found in a hardware store, and "software" wasn't even a word.

And we were the last generation to actually believe that a lady needed a husband to have a baby.

No wonder people call us "old and confused" and say there is a generation gap..... and how old do you think I am ???.....

Read on to see -- Pretty scary if you think about it, and rather sad at the same time.

 

 

Grandma is only 58.

 

She was born in 1946.

 

***********************  

 

The following poem was among the possessions of an aged lady who died in the geriatric ward of a hospital. There is no information available as to her name, when she died or who she was. It is so appropriate for all nursing personnel, families, volunteers and all who come in contact with the elderly to read. At times we all lose patience with the elderly. This should help us to have more sympathy and understanding of all residents.

 

"Crabbit Old Woman"

What do you see, what do you see?
Are you thinking, when you look at me-
A crabbit old woman, not very wise,
Uncertain of habit, with far-away eyes,
Who dribbles her food and makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
I do wish you'd try.


Who seems not to notice the things that you do
And forever is loosing a stocking or shoe.
Who, unresisting or not; lets you do as you will
With bathing and feeding the long day is fill.
Is that what you're thinking,
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes,
nurse, you're looking at me.


I'll tell you who I am as I sit here so still!
As I rise at your bidding, as I eat at your will.
I'm a small child of 10 with a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters, who loved one another-
A young girl of 16 with wings on her feet,
Dreaming that soon now a lover she'll meet,
A bride soon at 20- my heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows that I promised to keep.


At 25 now I have young of my own
Who need me to build a secure happy home;
A woman of 30, my young now grow fast,
Bound to each other with ties that should last;
At 40, my young sons have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me to see I don't mourn;
At 50 once more babies play around my knee,
Again we know children, my loved one and me.
Dark days are upon me, my husband is dead,
I look at the future, I shudder with dread,
For my young are all rearing young of their own.
And I think of the years and the love that I've known;


I'm an old woman now and nature is cruel-
Tis her jest to make old age look like a fool.
The body is crumbled, grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone where I once had a heart,
But inside this old carcass, a young girl still dwells,
And now and again my battered heart swells,
I remember the joy, I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living life over again.
I think of the years all too few- gone too fast.
And accept the stark fact that nothing can last-
So open your eyes, nurse, open and see,
Not a crabbit old woman, look closer-
See Me.

By: Phyilis McCormack

 

A Nurse's reply

"To the 'Crabbit Old Woman"

 

What do we see, you ask, what do we see? Yes, we are thinking when looking at thee! We may seem to be hard when we hurry and fuss, But there's many of you, and too few of us. We would like far more time to sit by you and talk, To bath you and feed you and help you to walk. To hear of your lives and the things you have done; Your childhood, your husband, your daughter, your son. But time is against us, there's too much to do -Patients too many, and nurses too few. We grieve when we see you so sad and alone, With nobody near you, no friends of your own. We feel all your pain, and know of your fear That nobody cares now your end is so near. But nurses are people with feelings as well, And when we're together you'll often hear tell Of the dearest old Gran in the very end bed, And the lovely old Dad, and the things that he said, We speak with compassion and love, and feel sad When we think of your lives and the joy that you've had, When the time has arrived for you to depart, You leave us behind with an ache in our heart. When you sleep the long sleep, no more worry or care, There are other old people, and we must be there. So please understand if we hurry and fuss -There are many of you, And so few of us.

 

 

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