JOKES AND SAYINGS

                 

I probably shouldn't be here

but it was the only universe that had a vacancy!

 

A jackaroo from outback Queensland (in Australia) goes off to university, but halfway through the term he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing.. They actually have a program here that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.' 

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol’ Blue in that program?' 

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'  So .... his father sends the dog and $2,000. 

About two-thirds through the term, the money again runs out. The boy calls home. 'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.. 'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.' 

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?' 'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.' 

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read. 

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. 'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!' 

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Financial Review. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still sleeping with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'' 

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot him before he talks to your mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!' 

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

 
****
 How to make God laugh   Tell him your plans

*************

 A husband and wife are shopping in their local Sainsburys (Coles). The husband picks up a  case of beer and puts it in their cart.

'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife. 'They're on sale, only 10 ($10) for 24 cans', he replies.

'Put them back, it's a waste of money', says the wife, and so he does and they carry on shopping.

A few aisles further on along, the woman picks up a 20 ($20) jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.

What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband... "It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.

Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of beer and it's half the price....'

Announcement over the intercom .... HUSBAND DOWN, AISLE 7.

****

A man had suffered severe injuries in a farming accident and was making a claim on his insurance, which the company was planning to fight. A representative came to see him armed with a copy of the police report. “It says here that just after the accident, the police officer asked how you were and you replied you never felt better. Can you explain that?

Well said the farmer, just after the accident the policeman saw my horse had two broken legs so he took out his gun and shot it. Then he saw my dog had a broken back and was whimpering in pain, so he took out his gun and shot it.

Then he came over and said ‘How do you feel?’ 

**********************************

Four brothers left home for college, and they became successful doctors and lawyers and prospered. Some years later, they chatted after having dinner together. They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother who lived far away in another city.

The first said, "I had a big house built for Mama."

The second said, "I had a hundred thousand dollar theater built in the house."

The third said "I had my Mercedes dealer deliver an SL600 to her."

The fourth said, "You know how Mama loved reading the Bible and you know she can't read anymore because she can't see very well. I met this preacher who told me about a parrot that can recite the entire Bible. It took twenty preachers 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $100,000 a year for twenty years to the church, but it was worth it. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it."

The other brothers were impressed. After the holidays Mom sent out her thank you notes.

"She wrote: "Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house. Thanks anyway."

"Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home; I have my groceries delivered, so I never use the Mercedes. The thought was good. Thanks."

"Michael, you gave me an expensive theater with Dolby sound, it uld hold 50 people, but all my friends are dead, I've lost my hearing and I'm nearly blind. I'll never use it. Thank you for the gesture just the same."

"Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to give little thought to your gift. The chicken was delicious. Thank you." 

**********

 A lady is walking down the street to work and sees a parrot in a pet store. She stops to admire the bird. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly."  

Well, the lady is furious! She storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot upon seeing her says, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." She was incredibly angry now.  The next day on the way to work she saw the same parrot and once again it said, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so furious that she stormed into the store and threatened to sue the store and have the bird killed.  

The store manager apologized profusely and promised the bird wouldn't say it again.  

The next day, when the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused, scowled with an icy and deadly stare, and said with a hoarse voice, "Yes?"  

The bird, strutting back and forth on its perch in a cocky manner, said, "You know."

********** 

This guy is in a plane when he feels thirsty. He calls the stewardess and asks her politely for a large Whisky. 

There's a parrot in the seat next to him, who snaps,” A double Scotch and make it quick". "Yes sir" the stewardess says, and quickly gets the bird his drink - but ignores the guy.  

The parrot downs his in one gulp, and says "gimme another one". The stewardess gets him a second drink, ignoring the guy again.  

The guy, meanwhile has been asking for his drink very politely. He decides to use the parrot's tactics and snarls at the stewardess,” You slag, get me my bloody Scotch!" 

Suddenly a large co-pilot comes out of the cockpit and ejects both the guy and the parrot off the plane.

As they're falling, the parrot turns to the guy and says "You know, you're quite brave for someone who can't fly...". 

****************

 An old man visits his doctor and after thorough examination the doctor tells him: "I have good news and bad news, what would you like to hear first?"

Patient: "Well, give me the bad news first."

Doctor: "You have cancer; I estimate that you have about two years left."

Patient: "OH NO! That's awful! In two years my life will be over! What kind of good news could you probably tell me, after this???"Doctor; You also have Alzheimer’s. In about three months you are going to forget everything I told you.

****************

"If you could get rid of yourself just once,

 the secret of secrets would open to you. 

 The face of the unknown,

 hidden beyond the universe

 would appear on the mirror of your perception."  

****************  

"Out Beyond Ideas Of Rightdoing And Wrongdoing
 There is A Field -  I Will Meet You There."
 

  Rumi Sufi mystic and poet, 1207-1273 

 ****************

"The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be measured by the way its animals are treated"     Mahatma Ghandi

**************** 

This body is not me. I am not limited by this body. I am life without boundaries. I have never been born, and I have never died. Look at the ocean and the sky filled with stars, manifestations from my wondrous true mind. Since before time, I have been free. Birth and death are only doors through which we pass, sacred thresholds on our journey. Birth and death are a game of hide- and seek. So laugh with me, hold my hand, let us say good-bye, say good-bye, to meet again soon. We meet today. We will meet again tomorrow. We will meet at the source every moment. We meet each other in all forms of life.

by Thich Nhat Hanh 

 **************** 

 "Cherish your solitude. Take trains by yourself to places you have never been. Sleep out alone under the stars. Learn how to drive a stick shift. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back. Say no when you don’t want to do something. Say yes if your instincts are strong, even if everyone around you disagrees. Decide whether you want to be liked or admired. Decide if fitting in is more important than finding out what you’re doing here. Go so far away that you stop being afraid of not coming back."

Eve Ensler

 ***************

  There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha gonne do about it?” He says menacingly, as I burst into tears.

Come on man, says the biker, I didn’t think you’s CRY! I can’t stand to see a man crying.

 “This is the worst day of my life, I say. I’m a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don’t have insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with another man and then my dog bit me…..So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison disolve; then you show up and drink the whole thing. But enough about me, how’s your day going?”

 ********* 

While on a road trip, an elderly couple  stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.
When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.
By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to return to the restaurant to retrieve her glasses.
All the way back, the elderly husband became the classic grouchy old man. He fussed and complained, and scolded his wife relentlessly during the entire return drive. He just wouldn't let up for a single minute.
To her relief, they finally arrived at the restaurant.  As the woman got out of the car, and hurried inside to retrieve her glasses, the old geezer yelled to her, 
While you're in there, you might as well get my hat and the credit card.

 ********* 

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.
While en route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness. He says he suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.


For $100, the cabby agrees.


Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his
Wife in bed with another man!


The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.


The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money,
HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your season Redskin tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your Hawaiian golf vacation.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!'
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do?
The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches cold.'

 

***********   

A duck walks into a Post Office. 

He says to the man behind the counter. ‘Have you got any corn?’ 

‘No’, says the man, ‘we don’t sell corn.’ 

The next day the duck comes in again and says  ‘Have you got any corn?” 

The guy is quite annoyed and says’ I told you yesterday, we don’t have any corn! 

The next day the duck comes in again and asks ‘Do you have any corn?’ 

The guy is furious by now. He says’ I’ve already told you twice, we don’t have any corn - and if you come in and ask me that again, I’ll nail your beak to the counter.’ 

The next day the duck comes in again and says “ Have you got any nails? 

‘No, we haven’t got any nails’ - yells the guy. 

 ‘Have you got any corn? 

********    

THE DRIVE HOME 

A husband and wife are travelling by car from Cornwall to Inverness.

 

After almost ten hours on the road, they're too tired to continue and They decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road.

 

When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk; hands them a Bill for 150.

 

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth 150.

 

When the clerk tells him 150 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager.

 

 The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

 

 'But we didn't use them,' the man complains.

 

 'Well, they are here, and you could have,' explains the Manager. He Goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which The hotel is famous. 'The best entertainers from New York , Hollywood , and Las Vegas perform here,' the Manager says.

 

'But we didn't go to any of those shows, 'complains the man again.

 

'Well, we have them, and you could have,' the Manager replies.

 

No matter what amenity the Manager mentions!  The man replies, 'But we didn't use it!'

 

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a cheque and gives it to the Manager.

 

The Manager is surprised when he looks at the cheque.  'But sir,' he Says, 'this cheque is only made out for 50.00.'

 

'That's correct,' says the man. 'I charged you 100 for sleeping with my wife.'

 

 'But I didn't!' exclaims the Manager.

 

 'Well, too bad,' the man replies. 'She was here and you could have!'

 

****

The funeral procession

A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.

The woman couldn't stand her curiosity. She respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know this is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this.

Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."

She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"

The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women.

 "Can I borrow the dog?"  

"Get in line."

 *******

Senior upmanship

A very self-important yuppie attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation. "You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,"  the yuppie said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear.

 
”The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space  travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars.   We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cas, computers with light-speed processing "  

Pausing to take another drink of beer, the senior citizen took advantage of the break in the student's litany and said, "Yes, you're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young........so we invented them!!

 *****

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, "I slept with your mother!" The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, "I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!

The other says, "Go home dad you're drunk."  

  *****  

A young woman in Liverpool was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mersey .

She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the freezing water,
when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier,
crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for, I'm off
to
America in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship.

I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day".

Moving closer, he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, "I'll keep
you happy, and you'll keep me happy"

Perhaps a fresh start in
America would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat.

From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of
fruit, and they made love until dawn.

Two weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the
captain. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food
and a trip to
America , and he's screwing me"

"He certainly is love" said the captain. "This is the Birkenhead Ferry"
 

**************

 A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. 

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.” 

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”  

 **************************

 A doctor says to his patient, “I have bad news and worse news”.

“Oh dear, what's the bad news?” asks the patient.

The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

“That's terrible”, said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?”

The doctor replies, “I've been trying to contact you since yesterday.”  

**********

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?” 

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. 

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?”

************************************

Sarah was reading a newspaper, while her husband was engrossed in a magazine. Suddenly, she burst out laughing. "Listen to this," she said. "There's a classified ad here where a guy is offering to swap his wife for a season ticket to the stadium."

"Hmmm," her husband said, not looking up from his magazine.

Teasing him, Sarah said, "Would you swap me for a season ticket?"

"Absolutely not," he said.

"How sweet," Sarah said. "Tell me why not."

"Season's more than half over," he said.

 *******

 A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, 'Perfect timing. You're just like Frank.'


Passenger: 'Who?'


Cabbie: 'Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.'
Passenger: 'There are always a few clouds over everybody.'
Cabbie: 'Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could